Classic Rodney Dangerfield

R.I.P. Rodney

Great lines:

I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
  A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home."  I went over. Nobody was home.
  During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
  It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
  I was such an ugly kid.  When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up.
  I'm so ugly.  My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
  I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."  
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid.  There's so many places they can hide."  
I'm so ugly.  I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.  
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror.  I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."  
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?"   He told me to run off a cliff.  
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness....... AFTER I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!