Stolen from the Onion:

Mariners Improve To Eight Games Over .300

SEATTLE—After winning for the seventh time in their past 17 games, the Seattle Mariners moved to eight games over the .300 mark for the first time since early May."I'm pleased, but it's just a number, and over the next few weeks we'll look to get to nine games over, or even 10," said Jim Riggleman, who has led the M's on a .481 streak since taking over as manager in June. "The guys are really starting to come around. [Yuniesky] Betancourt's got a three-game hitting streak, Jose [Lopez] hit a home run this week, and as long as we avoid getting swept and split a two-game series every once in a while, I think we can take a crack at .400."Riggleman went on to express pride in his team for not losing every single game on the road this season.

The Onion rules.